At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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