that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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