I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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