My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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