Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dicks are not precious.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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