I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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