So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
