When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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