He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
