had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
