I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
