Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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