Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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