I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
