guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
They took my balls.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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