If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
