why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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