Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
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I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
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Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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