Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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