dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
