I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
