I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
