Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize