he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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