Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
