marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
