Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
