My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
