her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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