my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
