I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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