She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
