I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
