Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
