Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
