True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The Olympian is in my bed
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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