What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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