Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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