I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Randomize
