Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
