yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
