At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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