During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
