Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
