but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
