im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
