ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
