did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
