Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
