I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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