First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
