good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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