Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
