I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We were destined to go to rehab together
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
