How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
