Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
