seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize