Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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