I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
