So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This is classic penis vs brain.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
