47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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